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Grief - if you are reading this you are either well enough now to step forward in your journey through grief or you are looking for help for someone you know, or possibly you have some interest in the journey through grief of a survivor’s loss after a suicide.

What ever your reasons, welcome to my story of my journey through grief after my son Nicholas died by suicide at the age of 20 on May 19, 2007.
It was 6:15 Sunday morning when I awoke to voices down stairs.  I sat up and listened for a moment and didn’t recognize the low, slow speaking voices.  No laughter, not more than one voice could be heard at one time.  I couldn’t hear my husband’s voice among the other voices.

I sat up and through something over my nightgown and started down the stairs quietly and slowly as not to be heard by the creaky wooden stair steps.

As I approached the bottom step I realized the visitors were not familiar to me and I walked quicker and with curiosity.  As I rounded the corner I could see two women sitting in the kitchen, as I reached the doorway I saw the black uniform, then it hit me, two police officers at my kitchen table, why?

I then looked at my husband and asked, “What are you doing talking to these people without me being here?”  Larry looked at me with his puzzled eyes and replied, “They are talking to me, but I don’t know what they are saying!”

I then looked at one of the officers; he had immediately stood up and introduced himself and his partner as well as the two women sitting in the distance quietly, like they had been awoken from a dead sleep and unsure of why they were there.
From that moment on, my life, our life, the family would never be the same again.  I remember leaning on the chest freezer close by but not knowing it was going to be my first support after not realizing something had entered my body; like a cold ice cube going through my veins so fast I had a hard time concentrating on what really had happened…… hearing my son Nicholas, jumped to his death.

That ice cube turned to a serious over flow of boiling water and tingling throughout my whole body.  At no time could I locate the hot boiling blood, yet it was cold I’m sure….what was it?

I later learned, or figured it to be grief, trauma, pain, loss and the flash of my son’s life going before my eyes.

I had to get a handle on my visions, my emotions and not allow this foreign stuff to control me as I have things to do.

Our journey through grief over the next hour(s), day(s) to come, the month(s), were upon us in minutes.  There is no time for preparation because you don’t know what to prepare for.  People came and people went.  The phone rang, the dog needed to be fed.  What time was it?  Appointments, there are no appointments to think about or to remember because I don’t know what is happening to my mind, my brain can’t think.  When does it stop?  Will it go away, ever?

Will these people ever go home and leave me alone?  Where is everybody?  Why have they left us?  What do I do now?  What do I do EVER from this day forward?

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME, I’M NOT SURE WHAT TO DO OR WHERE TO GO!  WHO TOOK MY LIFE AND BROKE IT INTO A 1000 PIECE PUZZLE.  Ok……I have to get control of things.  Why must I cry so much?  Did I eat?  God I’m so tired……..where is Larry?  What are Marsha & Melanie doing?
Penny's Story
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Remembering Nicholas

This site is in memory of Nicholas Knapp, thinking of you.